— The Night I Wrestled with God
Jacob went on his way.
Behind him, the stones of the past.
Ahead of him, the road home.
And on the way,
the angels of God
met him.
*
“This is God’s camp,”
he said,
and named the place
Mahanaim,
two camps.
Perhaps heaven
was walking beside him.
Perhaps the lonely road
was never lonely.
The Beloved travels with the traveler,
a second shadow
the sun cannot cast.
*
Then another name
came into his heart.
Esau.
The brother he deceived.
The brother whose blessing he stole.
The brother who once swore
to kill him.
*
Jacob sent messengers ahead:
Tell my lord Esau,
your servant Jacob
has lived with Laban until now.
I have cattle, donkeys, sheep,
servants, and families.
I send this
to find favor in your sight.
*
Today
he might have typed it into a phone,
read it over twenty times,
pressed send,
and watched the screen.
Three small dots.
Then nothing.
Then the dots again.
*
The messengers returned.
Your brother is coming to meet you,
and four hundred men
are with him.
*
Jacob was terrified.
His heart became
a small room
with no door.
*
He split his people and his flocks
into two camps.
If Esau attacks one,
the other may escape.
Fear is always
a careful planner.
*
Then Jacob prayed.
O God of my father Abraham,
God of my father Isaac,
You told me,
return to your country,
and I will do you good.
I am not worthy
of the least of Your steadfast love.
I crossed this Jordan
with nothing but my staff,
and now
I have become two camps.
Save me
from the hand of my brother.
I am afraid.
*
With nothing but my staff.
I crossed a sea once,
from the East,
with little more than a suitcase
and a call I could not fully explain.
Now I look around this house in Knoxville:
a wife of fifty years, two married daughters,
a son,
grandchildren,
forty years of churches behind me.
I have become two camps.
I am not worthy
of the least of it.
*
Jacob remembered the promise,
but fear
was still breathing inside him.
Faith does not always
silence fear.
Sometimes faith
is only the prayer we say
while fear sits in the room
with us.
*
He sent gifts ahead,
goats and sheep,
camels, cows, donkeys,
one drove after another.
Tell him
these are from your servant Jacob,
and Jacob is coming behind.
*
I will cover his face with gifts,
Jacob thought.
Perhaps then
he will lift up my face.
*
How much of my life
was spent like this,
sending gifts ahead,
good works, good sermons,
hoping to soften a face
I was afraid to meet.
*
That night
he sent his wives, his children,
and everything he had
across the river Jabbok.
And Jacob
was left alone.
*
Alone.
The word stood
like a stone.
*
His family across the water.
His wealth across the water.
His future unknown.
His past
coming with four hundred men.
*
It looks like a modern night:
a man in a parked car
under an interstate bridge,
trucks roaring overhead,
the river black below,
the phone face down
on the passenger seat.
Or an old man
at three in the morning,
awake in a dark kitchen,
the house asleep,
nothing to do
but face himself.
*
And there,
in the darkness,
someone wrestled with him
until daybreak.
*
A man?
An angel?
God?
Jacob did not know.
He knew only
that he could not let go.
*
He had wrestled with his brother
in the womb.
With his father-in-law
for twenty years.
With life itself.
Now
he wrestled with God.
*
The stranger touched his hip,
and it was thrown out of joint.
Still Jacob held on.
*
Let me go,
for the day is breaking.
I will not let you go
unless you bless me.
*
A wounded man
asking for blessing.
The one who once stole a blessing
in his brother’s clothes
now begs for one
in his own torn body.
Not by trick.
Not by force.
By holding on
through the night.
*
What is your name?
Jacob.
*
The heel-grabber.
The one who supplants.
To say his name
was to confess his whole life.
*
I have had to say my name like that.
Not the title.
Not Reverend.
The real name underneath:
the one who performed,
the one who prayed less in his strong years,
the one with rough words
and bent scales.
God does not bless the costume.
God asks for the name.
*
Your name shall no longer be Jacob,
but Israel,
for you have striven with God
and with humans,
and have prevailed.
*
A new name.
Not because his past had disappeared.
Not because his hip had healed.
Because he had gone through the night,
and was no longer
the same man.
*
Please tell me your name.
Why is it
that you ask my name?
And there
the stranger blessed him.
*
Some names
are not given to hold.
They are given
as a blessing,
and the hand stays open.
*
Jacob called the place
Peniel,
the face of God.
For I have seen God face to face,
and yet my life is spared.
*
The sun rose on him
as he passed Peniel,
limping
because of his hip.
*
The blessing
had left a wound.
And the wound
had become part of the blessing.
*
We do not always leave
our meeting with God
stronger,
the way the world measures strength.
Sometimes
we leave limping.
But we limp
with a new name.
We limp
with deeper humility.
We limp
knowing we survived the night,
knowing we were held
while we were holding on.
*
My knees are slow now.
I used to think
grace would make me stronger.
I am learning it can also
make me humbler,
and lean on Someone
with every step.
*
Jacob had spent his life
grasping.
The heel.
The birthright.
The blessing.
Whatever he feared
belonged to someone else.
*
At Peniel
his hands learned
another kind of grasping.
Not taking,
but holding on.
Not owning,
but surrendering.
Not winning,
but being changed.
*
I think of the brothers and sisters
in my own life
I have not spoken to often.
A church that split.
Colleagues who walked away.
Old friends lost in a quarrel
neither of us can remember well.
And I think of the world,
where nations are brothers
with four hundred men on each side,
and borders where families
stand on two banks of one river.
Every reconciliation
has its own Jabbok,
a night
no one can skip.
*
Morning came.
The river moved quietly.
The camps waited.
Esau was coming.
*
Jacob could not know
what would happen next.
But he knew
who he had become.
Israel.
A wounded pilgrim.
A man who found
that the face of God
can be met
in the very darkness
we most want to escape.
*
He walked toward Esau.
He walked toward his past.
He walked toward reconciliation.
With every uneven step,
the new day opened.
*
The night was over.
The wound remained.
The blessing remained.
And the God who met him at Bethel,
followed him to Haran,
watched over him twenty years,
was still walking
beside him.
*
Jacob came home
with a limp.
But perhaps
for the first time
he was truly
on his way home.
*
Note: God who wrestles with us in the dark until the day breaks,
I will not let You go; bless me, wounded as I am.
Take my old grasping name and give me the one You choose,
let the limp You leave in me remind me who I lean on,
and walk with me toward every sister/brother I have still not met.











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